tobyfolwick.com

Funny, ignorance is bliss. I never would have thought it. Giving up isn’t that hard to do. Everybody seems to be doing it these days, it’s so fashionable. There’s a green light on 5th and Wall right now, and I’ll take that as a sign. I’ve been digging in to a few things lately, one of the things I’m looking at is called “Stop Praying.” From what I gather so far, it’s about real life-change. I wouldn’t categorize it under self-help by any means. It’s general concept is pretty straightforward though. If you want real change in your life, stop praying about it and start making it. So that’s what I’ve started doing. To the extent I’ve created the situation that I’m currently in, I know what I did wrong. I stopped believing in love. I stopped a long time ago. Now that I think of it, it was probably around the time I graduated from college. I’ve always lived my life learning from other people’s experiences. I’ve had my own, but I think people generally have good advice as far as what NOT to do. A piece of bad advice I received and took to heart is that I have to be more forgiving. NO I DON’T. If you’re a jackass, you’re a jackass. Go be a jackass with another jackass and leave me out of it. I’m a smart guy. I came from good people. If I need advice, I’ll ask. So, I listen to the wrong person occasionally, I’ll take responsibility for that. Some people are convincing when it comes to earning trust. So I’ve been convinced a couple times. They’re not making anything better for anyone now, except themselves. And that’s not how I want to live either. If I’ve learned anything from the last couple years of my life, it’s that I’ve earned an exclamation point for the end of the way I used to live. Trust your heart, trust your intelligence, and the rest will work out on it’s own… For you, maybe it’s different, and I won’t give you any advice either way unless you ask for it.

extra points if you can name the song and artist from the title.

ok, so I’m up because I just had a dream.  I know, big deal right?  so here it is.

I’m up at this cabin (which is more of a mansion) with a friend of mine, and it’s full of non-descript people I work with, web developers (except I’m sure the host is played by James Spader) and everyone is going on this huge powerboat.  Me and my buddy decide that we’re going to stay back and surf the waves that these boats are making.  If you’ve ever seen footage of the Tsunami, that’s what kind of waves they were.  So they make some waves, and James Spader hops out and asks if I can change 40 bucks.  I’ve got about $100 in my pants pocket on the shore and he says, “oh don’t worry about it, I’ll get it, you don’t have to come out of the water.”  So he changes it, and gets back on the boat.  We’re pretty much done surfing these powerboat waves, so we head back and dry off and stuff.  I don’t know James Spader well, so I check my pockets.  He took 2 twentys and gave me a $38 dollar bill.  Like a bill that he made on the copy machine. 

I’m mad about this and decide that I’m going to put all the beer in his fridge in my truck while they’re all out boating.  ‘Cause, you know, how else to you retaliate against party people that might be playing a joke on you?  you take their beer.

James Spader returns, gets mad that I stole his beer, and pushes my car (in my dream the same as in real life) down the boat launch, into the lake.  I see it because I’m sitting in the bushes with my buddy with some assault rifles watching it sink slowly.  Spader walks away and while the car is still floating I pop the trunk and take out a case of beer, which is Bud Light.  I hate Bud Light.

Back in the Bushes, me and my buddy pop a beer open and I tell him that I’m going to kill Spader.  I drink one and crush the empty can in my hand, and grab the AK.  I know I fire one bullet over the boat launch toward the house where Spader is still walking, but then I wake up.

And that’s it.  I feel, now that I’m awake that it escalated pretty quickly don’t you?  And why is it that I play the psycho in my own dream?

If you subscribe to the thought that you are all people in your own dream, then I’m me, James Spader and my buddy, cause those were the people that stood out.  Based on that I have a fear of being taken for granted, some nerd anger, and the ability to drink a Bud Light without doing or saying anything at all.

Maybe it’s simpler.  Maybe I feel, internally, that there’s something happening that I’m trying to control, I can’t control it so I’m angry, and I can’t do anything about it.  Sad thing to me is that I can see, in my own history, short of the details, where this comes from.  Mostly the money, the bad joke, and the lack of retaliation. 

I have often found myself in the position where fighting the “bully” will just make my life more difficult.  Doesn’t it always seem that way?  Doesn’t that also indicate that the bully always wins?  That’s my last thought, I’m going back to sleep.